Summer

I’m okay. It is difficult to put into words, but I’m okay. It feels odd and perhaps even shameful to not be striving towards a goal, or coping with some kind of stress or hardship. We bond over shared struggles, stress, the daily labor of achieving.

It’s summer now. Longer days. Lots of togetherness and flexibility. Potential for connection and conflict abounds. Time for rest and BBQ and ice cream.

On our first day of summer break we had a couple friends over. The kids made popsicles, walked to the park, watched a movie. I hoped for us to have fun, be outside, be healthy, be good friends, relax.

Absent a command to go and work, or a calling to fulfill and serve, I am left with the commands to abide, to love, to pray, to wait. I get anxious when trying to describe what I do or what’s next for me because I don’t know. I’m not anxious that I don’t know what’s next, which is a victory unto itself, but I panic a little because I don’t know how to answer the question. Saying, I don’t know, leaves everyone feeling awkward. Like a problem wanting a solution.

Perhaps the Holy Spirit will give me better words. In Luke 12:12, Jesus tells his disciples not to worry about how to defend themselves as Christ followers before authorities and rulers. The Holy Spirit will give them their script when they need it. Imagine being so close to God that She literally gives you the clarity and perfect words to speak as you stand before those who hate you, condemn you, even kill you. I struggle just to tell my friends or the people at church that right now following Christ means living without a to-do list or my nose to the grind stone. Life is full of suffering and struggle so if I’m not, then I must be lazy or undisciplined. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, those who are persecuted, those who mourn or are poor in spirit. Right? Strive first for the kingdom of God. Take up your cross!

Blessed, too, are the meek, the pure in heart, the merciful.

Perhaps I shouldn’t resist awkwardness.

Right now, I’m okay. A calling and a mission will come. God has made me so very capable and strong. He will use my skills again to further His kingdom and peace on earth. Now is a time of huddling close. Listening a lot. Taking care of my body. Loving my husband and children with lots of quality time and practicing the peacemaking that comes with living with small children.

Today I will be grateful. I will pray and look for God at work in the lives of my children. I will be patient and kind with myself. I will say yes to my children as much as I can. I will read with joy the Gospel story. I will be okay.